The Father of the Bride's Speech
by sprinter1988
Summary: A speech I think would have been made at Hermione's wedding to Ron. H/Hr ending. Ron and general Weasley bashing. Based on Rowan Atkinson's one-man show sketch. Oneshot. AU


**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Harry Potter… actually, I own the books, films, games etc, but I make no money from any of it.**

**Note 1: Although this story is marked as Hermione/Dr Granger, that is not, I repeat not the pairing. They are just the main characters.**

**Note 2: What follows is adapted from a sketch by the brilliant actor/comedian Rowan Atkinson. I saw it, and had to change it to a Harry Potter story.**

The Father of the Bride's Speech.

As the waiters removed the empty dessert dishes from the tables, the sound of knives tinkling against champagne glasses filled the hall as Dr Daniel Granger, father of the bride, gingerly got to his feet to make his speech.

Slightly drunk, he looked out across the room with a sour look on his face.

"Ladies and gentlemen, and friends of my daughter; there comes a time in every wedding reception, when the man who paid for the damned thing is allowed to say a word or two of his own. And I should like to take the opportunity, sloshed though I may be, to say a word or two about Harry. As far as I'm concerned, my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible, wealthy; let's not deny it, well placed, good looking and fertile young man, than Harry as her husband.

"And I therefore ask the question "Why the hell did she marry Ronald instead?" Because Ronald is the sort of man we used to describe at school as a complete prick. If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire can be likened to a compost heap, and I think they can, then Ronald is the biggest weed growing out of it. I think he's the sort of man that people emigrate to avoid.

"I remember the first time I met Ronald I said to my wife, she's the lovely woman propping up that horrendous old lush of a mother on his, "Either this man is suffering from serious brain damage, or the new vacuum cleaner has arrived.

"And as for his family, they are the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals that I've ever had the misfortune of turning my nose up to; I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog."

He reached down to pick up his glass of champagne.

"I would like to propose a toast: to the caterers. And the pigeon who crapped on the groom's families limousine at the church."

He took a sip of his champagne before continuing.

"And as for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me: you can sod off. I wouldn't trust any of you to sit the right way on the toilet seat."

Then he sat back down.

And then he was awoken by a rapid banging sound. Looking around, Daniel Granger realised that he had fallen asleep in front of the television again. He grabbed the remote control and switched the television off, before going in search of the banging sound.

It was coming from the front door, and he opened it just as his wife, Emma, was coming down the stairs tying the cord of her dressing gown around herself.

On the other side of the door was their daughter, Hermione. She was crying.

"Sweetie, whatever is the matter?" Emma asked, shoving her husband aside to wrap her daughter in a hug.

"I can't do it mum." Hermione sobbed "I can't marry Ron. I've called the whole thing off."

Daniel and Emma exchanged looks of elation before Daniel asked "Does Harry know?"

"No." sobbed Hermione "I didn't want to bother him: he's only just broken up with Ginny."

This just kept getting better.

"I'll call him." said Daniel, making his way over to the telephone hung on the wall "He'll want to be here for you."

Hermione nodded and allowed her mother to lead her into the living room.

Three months later, and Dr Daniel Granger found himself making a real speech at his daughter's wedding. Though unlike in his dream, this was a nice speech, and that was because, unlike in his dream, Hermione was marrying Harry.

All was right with the world.

**A/N: There you go. Short, I know, but I don't think it needed any more added to it.**


End file.
